Mary's Shortcut: About Suicide Bereavement

“It is a myth that suicide can’t be prevented,” writes Paul Quinnett. “It can. QPR is one technique that can help. QPR stands for Question, Persuade, Refer.”

Quinnett speaks to those for whom suicide isn’t merely an abstraction occurring “out there.” On behalf of the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), he educates people whose family members live with certain brain disorders (mental illnesses) that can make them particularly susceptible to suicide. The threat of suicide lurking within those families is what, I think, drives Quinnett’s no-nonsense advice.

Overcoming denial is an important first step for the person who is trying to help someone considering suicide. “Sometimes, because the thought of death is so frightening,” writes Quinnett, “we deny the person may be suicidal.” But someone on the verge of suicide usually provides warning signs that must be taken seriously. (See November 1, 2012 post: “Warning Signs for Suicide.”)

One surprising warning sign is sudden happiness, for no apparent reason, in someone who is depressed. “Since depression saps energy and purpose, sometimes the depressed person is ‘too tired’ to carry out a suicide plan,” says Quinnett. “However, as the depression finally begins to lift, the person may suddenly feel ‘well enough’ to act. As strange as it sounds, once someone decides to end his or her suffering by suicide, the hours before death are often filled with a blissful calm” (Paul Quinnett, Ph.D, “QPR: Ask a question. Save a life.” NAMI Family-to-Family Education Program, 2012).

On the weekend of her suicide in 1995, my daughter Mary went to a video store with her father and sister on Friday night, offered to go to the grocery store Saturday afternoon after I sprained my ankle, helped clean up the kitchen following supper that evening, and then later ate ice cream and watched a television program, probably “Saturday Night Live.” As her mother, I was relieved at this normal-appearing behavior in a daughter who seemed to be recovering from depression. What I didn’t know, of course, is that she was also penning her suicide note that Saturday in between all the normal-appearing activities.

Any one of a hundred moments would have been the moment to ask Mary if she was thinking about suicide and, yes, the question likely could have saved her life. But it wasn’t going to be asked on a day when I was seeing improvement and hoping for the best.

There’s still more to say about Quinnett’s “Question, Persuade, Refer” system.