Mary's Shortcut: About Suicide Bereavement

Yes, I saw some but not all the warning signs for suicide before my daughter Mary committed suicide in 1995. Had I been aware of the significance of the behavior patterns I was picking up in my daughter, perhaps I would have understood the urgency of her medical condition and acted protectively on her behalf.

The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) lists the following behaviors as suicide warning signs:

1) Talking about death or suicide
2) Talking about specific plans someone has made to attempt suicide
3) Severe depression, hopelessness, or guilt
4) Reckless, violent, or self-destructive behavior
5) Alcohol or drug abuse
6) Expressing a sense of worthlessness
7) Suddenly appearing much better, or happier, for no apparent reason; and
8) Loss of interest in usual sources of pleasure

Mary never talked about death or suicide; certainly there was no mention of a “plan.” I saw no sign of alcohol or drug abuse. She was suffering from and being treated by a psychiatrist for depression. I thought a sense of worthlessness and loss of interest in the usual sources of pleasure were to be expected and would be alleviated by the drug therapy and psychotherapy she was receiving.

What I didn’t do that NAMI says I should have done was ask Mary if she ever thought about suicide. If she’d said “Yes,” I then should have asked if she’d thought about suicide recently and whether she had a plan. If she’d said “Yes” to that question, I should have considered her condition a medical emergency and not left her side until she got the medical help she needed.

But there was terror, denial, and general human messiness working against that logical strategy: I was terrified on some level for my daughter and denying all along that she was truly sick and in desperate need of a hospital. I think she might have been terrified and swimming against denial, too, incapable of admitting her self-destructive thoughts either to herself or to me. Had I been better educated about the warning signs for suicide, however, I believe it would have made a crucial difference (“Do You Care for Someone Who’s At Risk of Suicide?” http://www.nami.org).